


Big Fat Double D Adventure

by Glory_Of_Mars



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: Aasimar, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Dragonborn (D&D), Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, Dwarves, Elves, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Lesbian Character of Color, M/M, Monsters, Multi, Original Story - Freeform, Other, Tax evasion, Tieflings, Wrestling, bear representation, cishet representation, clonn, clourophobia trigger warning, everyone is gay in some way except for characters i dont like, evil lawyers, feral clown, gay vampire, gnc dwarves, lesbians that do not die, so many monsters, stole some stuff from friends and ex's
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-19 19:37:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18977014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glory_Of_Mars/pseuds/Glory_Of_Mars
Summary: An original Dungeons and Dragons story about a bunch of idiots who explore adventure, life, death, philosophy, and love together. What else is there to really expect from a D&D story? I got gay vampires, I got dragon-kings, I got wrestling fanatics, feral clowns, and a whole slurry of fantastical beasts all tied up with a Brazilian twist. This one is for the gays, sorry cishets.Before you ask, yes this is like, maybe one baby tier above the Jack stories.





	1. Dummys and Dopes

**Author's Note:**

> An exchange of invitations ;)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So you like digging through everyone's mail, huh? That's kinda sick, buddy. Well you already went through the dumpster so we might as well pop those envelopes up and have a look see.

Marked with the seal of the ruling Infernus house, these letters kick off a grand journey, and promptly arrive at their intended locations.

To The Hunter,

Hey, so I heard you were pretty awesome. Yeah I'm not too big on writing these letters but you sound like the kind of guy that i don’t have to do all that “formality” shit for. So here’s the big fucking dealio right here. I get that you’re really big on killing monsters and shit ,right? I’ve heard lots of stories about you slaying everything from Bulletes to your own draconic ancestor. Now being a big folk-hero myself I get that most of it is probably exaggerated but I could still use your skills. See, being a king is awesome and fun and all that but it doesn’t get you out on the battlefield all that often. Or out at all. So I’m putting together a little ‘party’ to get out there bust some motherfuckers up! Like a hunting trip! Only we might fuck up some bandits or monsters too! I would really like to have another dragon-born, who hasn’t had a silver spoon in his maw since he born, on board with this too. Meet me at my keep on the next full moon if you’re interested.

Your King,  
Uruk Infernus

P.S. Is that your real name? Asking for a friend.

 

To the King,

I’ve heard a lot about you too. The battles you’ve been a part of certainly have created rumors and stories alike of grand makings. I will be happy to come with you on a hunting trip! I expect fully to hear about those exhilarating stories of bloodshed from yourself, your highness! Surely many of my own tales are exaggerated but I think you’d be surprised to hear which are truth and which folly! I also understand your weariness with royalty, most of the dragonborn from my home city are spoiled beyond belief and haven’t felt the rush of the hunt not once! I will be attendance and am most humbled to accept your offer.

Hearty Regards,  
Jerkyn Aufonya.

P.S. Yes, that is my real name.

 

 

To Agriel, The Friend,

I told you about this in person so I don’t know why you bugged me into writing this. You literally know I hate writing this shit. Anyway you know what I’m doing and I’m only inviting you to come with because I can trust you and because you’d annoy the shit out of me if I didn’t. 

Your King and uh, Acquaintance,  
Uruk Infernus

 

 

To the King,

Hello Uruk!!!! Of course I’ll accept! I sure don’t appreciate your insults and you know that Hugo wouldn’t have liked that! Sorry to bring her up by the way but I know you cared about what she used to say! I look forward to protecting your kingly self as your personal trusted escort, lol! Thanks for inviting me!

Your trusted friend,  
Agriel Nightshade

 

 

To The ???,

Hey, I was at your show last week and saw how you killed my subjects on stage. I’m pretty sure you’d remember that I bailed you out with the guards because that show was the bomb and honestly those kobalds you killed were jerks anyway. It was pretty nice of you to point out that you recognized me too! All that shit about my brilliant red scales and loud laugh was kind of you to mention. I don’t remember your name but I’m going out on an expedition soon and could use the jokes to distract me from an annoying elf. Show up at my keep next “fool” moon if you’re interested.

Your King,  
Uruk Infernus

P.s. See what I did there? Haha!

 

 

To the King,

Hoo Hoo, my kingly friend, of course I saw your joke!  
To respond to your message, I will be no slowpoke!  
Seeing you at my show was no surprise, Trinculo panders often to those of your type!  
Trinculo was ,however, shocked at your appearance, which lived up to the hype!  
Yes those brilliant ruby scales and battle scars but what got me was your hand!  
Oh wretched how that guilty limb was stolen from you. Not a part of royal Plans?  
Aha but Trinculo is rambling! Trinculo accepts your proposal and is excited to entertain!  
Let this adventurous expedition be to neither of our careers, a stain. 

80) - Trinculo Melinculo Melinko, The Great One-stilted

 

 

To The Agent,

I’m gonna be upfront with you. I have no idea who you are but my royal hand recommended that I keep you around for “document forging” and stuff when i’m out. He apparently thinks that going on an expedition as king will give me unwanted attention. We both know that there’s no such thing though, right? Or maybe you don’t. Again, I don’t really know you. But anyway, I’ll be paying a lot, like, “the King of Eight Realms” a lot. Meet me at my keep on the next full moon if you’re interested.

Your King,  
Uruk Infernus

 

Addressed to The King,

My king. To be upfront with you as well, I was unaware that my acquaintance with your hand would lead to such a wholesome opportunity such as this. I must humbly agree with you that all types of attentions are to be appreciated but I completely understand that you do not mean the attention from one’s enemies? That is the true concern here. I excel in creating documents which can simulate validity in all manner of legal context. I suspect that we will deal with creating some separate identities for yourself and I must inquire if there are others for which you are concerned as well? These of course I understand will be used at customs operations but before we discuss what services I can provide I must say that my flat rate for all customers is 20 platinum pieces per hour. I will attend your meeting to discuss extra fees and I regret to inform that I will only be able to arrive by night on that date. So I apologize I am in any way late.

Humbly your subject and at your service forever and always,  
Jovial.

 

To The Mask,

I had a really hard time finding out where to send this letter so you better fucking show up to this meeting. Listen, “Mask”, I’ve heard about your escapades and lemme just tell you something. You remind me of an old friend I used to have. Slinking around in the shadows and stealing stuff all the time. I’m going on an expedition to an other realm and I know from experience that I could use those skills. This may sound like a trap, I know. But I promise on my family name that your name, or lack of name, haha, will be cleared of any bounty if you accept. 

Your King,  
Uruk Infernus

P.S. Do you really have wings or are the reports exaggerated? If you have them, I’m jealous, Haha.

 

To the King,

Your efforts to find my location were impressive. I accept your invitation. You can expect me to make an appearance on time. I trust your word, Giant-Foe. Your expedition is explained rather vaguely and I expect a more in depth explanation at the meeting.

You will see whether I have wings or not very soon.  
The Mask

 

 

To The Priestess of Tiamat,

I’ve been close with religious types like yourself and maybe you know from the stories that I’ve killed them but I’m curious about my ancestors and have some questions for you. Tiamat seems like she might have answers and since you are her voice, Paladin, I’d like for you to go on a little trip with me. It’s an expedition to a different realm but I assure you that it is nothing you cannot handle, or so I’ve heard. As guardian of Tiamat’s temple, you can handle your own where you’re going. Meet me at my keep on the next full moon if you’re interested.

Your King,  
Uruk Infernus

 

To the King,

Your Highness, I have heard much of your connections with the church of the sea lord. They were a corrupt and heathenous church and destroying their bastardous and bloodthirsty god was one of the best things to ever happen to this realm. Tiamat loves those who destroy her enemies and I have no doubt that she will be glad to answer your questions through me. No obstacle shall impede me in my mission to educate your of her majesty and of your history, which I already feel is entangled with hers. I accept your invitation and extend my own invitation of friendship with my appearance.

Most Powerful Blessings,  
Steele Ehnle


	2. Dinner and Diatribes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tiiiiiiiiime to meet our contestants!

Agriel paced back and forth behind Uruk’s chair incessantly.

“Are you absolutely sure you put the right date on ALL the letters?”  
Uruk sighed but didn’t turn in his chair to answer.

“Yeah, I had YOU check. Don’t you fucking remember?”

“Oh, right.”  
Agriel paused only momentarily.  
“But then WHY isn’t anyone here yet?”

“I’m already here.”   
Both Agriel and his king started at the voice, only one of them giving a shrill shriek.  
The Mask stepped forward from where she was cloaked in shadows. A small bow seemed to be the only ‘sorry for scaring the shit out of you’ she was giving. True to her name, she wore a feathered mask with colorful angular lines that were only broken by the colorless eye holes that housed two black holes behind them.  
Uruk cleared his throat in an attempt to compose himself.

“Nice to have you here, uh, is it Misses The Mask?”  
“No, just The Mask.”   
she said, her large, encompassing, black cloak making her seem to float over to her seat.

“I also do not use ‘Misses!”   
Trinculo blurted, climbing out of a vent.  
Agriel and Uruk started once more, this time including a hiccup.

“Alright can we start USING THE DOOR, PEOPLE?”   
Uruk blurted, adjusting the collar of his armour.  
“My bad! Trinculo did not mean to startle, my king!  
To make up for my trespass, let me sing!”   
The Clonn began.

Agriel clapped his hands happily.  
The Mask made a grunt.  
Trinculo produced a kazoo assumedly from their trousers, as they were shirtless, and blew a single note.

“Oh there once was a king ha-rum, hum-ra!  
And he was a beautiful creature, Hoo-rum, Hum-ra!  
Over the lands he did rule, Hoo-roo, Hoo-ha!  
And not one thought him a fool, Hum-ree, Hum-ha!”

The clownish one sung until interrupted by the doors slammed open dramatically. The well-dressed man with the high-waisted black tights in the doorway seemed nonplussed, as if he hadn’t even touched the door itself.

He seemed to be focused on his claw-like red nails before looking up and giving the room a smirk.  
A strike of lightning outside gave the space extra if not fleeting light besides the many candles place around the dining room.   
The horned guest pulled his closed parasol to rest it against the doorway politely.  
The Mask turned sharply and discretely looked over the tieflings small horns and whipping tail. Agriel gulped and moved to obscure himself behind Uruk’s large form in the chair. Trinculo simply squinted, their black-lipped smile faltering for a moment as they observed.  
The Tieflings blood-red eyes scanned the room before settling on the king, who watched him warily.

“Hello, My name is Jovial. And I am charmed to represent you as your legal aide, your grace.”  
Jovial bowed deeply, his sleek black cape sweeping over his form as he did so. He trotted past the other guests and reached Uruk’s chair in a completely inconspicuous manner, but the others were mesmerized nonetheless. Jovial kneeled and took Uruk’s claw. 

“I am truly the most humbled tiefling alive at this moment, your grace. Allow me to express my gratitude in the traditional manner.”   
He leaned in to kiss the king’s claw but Uruk swiped his still-intact hand away from his lips. 

“Yeah, Jovi, was it? Can you just sit down? Like I get the big gesture but I don’t do kiss-asses. Also what the hell is a tiefling?”  
Jovial’s grey skin went several shades redder.  
“It’s my race. It just means I have infernal heritage.” He explained quietly, taking the closest seat to Uruk’s right.  
Agriel popped out from behind Uruk and grabbed Jovial’s hand to shake it furiously.  
“Welcome to Infernus Keep, Jovi! I’m Uruk’s best friend, Agriel!” He cheerfully said.  
Jovial became more shaken at this as he shook the bright-eyed elf’s hand but was simultaneously trying to pry himself from the greeting.  
“Uh, delighted, kid. My name is Jovial, by the by.”  
Jovi said.

Uruk rolled his eyes at Agriel’s enthusiasm.  
Trinculo took the opportunity to sit themselves at the table.  
The Mask spoke up.

“You didn’t tell me you were going to invite a lawyer.”  
Jovi squinted at the masked woman.  
“And I wasn’t told that there’d be criminals here. But here we are. Don’t worry, I’m not that kind of lawyer though. Unless someone can pay me to be, of course.”  
He said, giving a side-eye to Uruk.

“I didn’t really think that that stuff would be a problem for either of you.”   
Uruk said.  
Everyone turned to look at him.   
The waiters burst through the kitchen doors with the dishes, shutting up any conversation about illegal activities and what everyone needed or didn’t need to know.  
As soon as the server cleared away a loud knocking echoed through the chambers and everyone’s attention was redirected from the many sizzling meats in front of them to the bulky Black Dragon-born that stood at the open doors.   
Agriels eyes widened even more than usual! He hadn’t seen a Dragon born as big as Uruk in, like, ever! But this guy really took the cake! The “beefcake” if you know what Agriel is saying!  
Jovi only gave the man a quick once-over and meow~. That is a juicy one.  
Trinculo gave the new-comer a little playful wave and The Mask nearly ignored him altogether.

“Come on in.”  
Uruk said carefully, entirely focused on him.   
He had an uneasy relationship with other dragonborns, as the other clans were his main political rivals.  
The soot-black scales of Jerkyn revealed to Uruk what he had meant when he had said that his neighbors were lazy and did not hunt. The black dragons were accustomed to elvish slaves, but Uruk had recently dealt with them to get them to quit their practice of slavery.

“Uh Hiya, everyone!”  
Jerkyn hurried to a chair next to The Mask.  
“My names Jerkyn. Last name Aufonya. Yeah that’s my real name, and the first one to mention it in a joke is going on my hunting-list, alright?”  
He addressed to the room.   
Trinculo chuckled.  
“You jest! I know it very well, some say too well! You jest!  
You can take a joke about your name just as well as the rest!  
Hoo Hoo!”  
They laughed.

The room was silent.  
The Mask sat as still as a corpse.  
Jovi pretended to drink his water, spitting it back into the cup quietly.  
Agriel, who was the only one to have seen a dragonborn's rage in person, sat quickly and made himself small.  
Uruk watched keenly, while eating all the same.  
Jerkyn snorted.

“You got me! I don’t really care. I know my names funny! And also I know who has the most balls in a room whenever they ask me about it! Ha!”  
Jerkyn loudly said, grabbing a turkey leg and digging in happily.  
Trinculo’s giggles grew louder and the bell atop his frumpy hat jingled as he moved.  
Jovi gave a glance around and laughed quietly. He better make the bill slightly bigger if he was going to work with these people.   
Agriel popped back up and startled him slightly as he joined in on the laughter. To Agriel’s great surprise, Uruk was chuckling as well! He hadn’t heard him do that in a while!

Jerkyn gestured towards Uruk with his food.  
“You look just as ruggedly handsome as the legends say!”  
He joked, with a toothy smile.   
“R-really? I would have thought they focused more on the giant war-axe rather than my looks.”   
Uruk stammered, a bit taken aback.  
“Well that definitely gets mentioned when they call you ‘The avatar of a war-god’, haha!”  
“Oh now i’ve heard that one before. Don’t they call you ‘The Beast’s Bane’ though?”   
“Oh that actually has a story behind it! But first, do you have a story for the avatar one?”

“I believe we will have time for war and hunting stories after we are introduced to the details of our mission, yes?”   
The Mask interrupted, fluttering her feathered ears in annoyance.  
Another rhythmic knocking came from the doorway.  
This time a stout and thick dwarven woman stood by it.  
She, like Jerkyn and The Mask, had come equipped in her armour, as if battle-ready. Her large religious charms were braided into her beard and flashed in the candlelight, marking her as a follower of Tiamat easily.

“I’d hope that’s what we’re discussing.”  
The new visitor said.  
The Mask had turned to watch her take her seat. 

“Ah yes! Trinculo was wondering the terms as well!  
It’d be a shame if for a scam, they fell!”  
They said in a singsong manner.

“Ah sorry, I did not mean to rush the matter, your draconic highness. This is a lovely feast you have set out for us. My name is Steele by the way everyone.” The dwarf said as she sat herself.

“Nah you didn’t rush anything. Also thank you.”  
He stood and leaned against the ornate chair. Uruk’s nearly seven foot height and full body was brought to the forefront of the guests attentions.  
Jovi cocked an eyebrow as he looked him over. He had always assumed that the dragon-king legends were mostly bullshit and that the guy was a washed up, one-time, war veteran. But he knew he had been wrong. There wasn’t much doubt in his mind that if it came down to it, the king could take down every single one of them.  
Except for Jovi himself.  
He had an edge.  
A very sharp edge indeed.  
Perhaps even two of them.

Jerkyn hid his admiration less convincingly. He was currently letting his drink overflow onto the tablecloth as he poured without attention.  
Agriel ate without interest.  
Uruk was used to this reaction.  
He brought up his metal prosthetic to his maw and cleared his throat.  
“Yeah, I was waiting to really go into this when everyone showed up. But here we all are! I guess I should welcome you all to the keep. And uhm, i’m Uruk Infernus, King of the eight realms.”

“You’re not a king.”  
All eyes shifted to The Mask and Uruk’s now-slitted eyes fixed themselves upon her.

“You want to say that again?”  
He said, through gritted teeth.

“Calm yourself. You are no king, because you have no coupling ruler and your most recent concubine ran off to an unknown location.”  
The Mask continued.  
“SHE WASN’T A CONCUBINE!”  
Uruk yelled as he started over to her. Agriel leapt from his seat and grabbed ahold of his arm, not truly physically holding him back but still causing Uruk to stop and take a second to breathe.  
“Listen, I’m doing you a favor by not having you arrested by the royal guard at this very moment. So i’m the king and that’s it, alright?”  
“But you’re not. You’re actually not even recognized as King of any realm other than your own.”  
The Mask hissed.  
A puff of smoke escaped from Uruk’s flared nostrils and Jerkyn was ready to get involved in this.  
Steele instinctively put an arm in front of The Mask in order to push her back at a moment’s notice.  
Trinculo leaned in with a shit-eating smile that revealed rows of sharpened teeth to watch the spectacle.  
Jovi stood up and clinked a fork several times against his glass cup.  
The room’s attention was on him.

“Now, now, this is all ridiculous. Uruk is the rightful King of all eight realms. His royal lineage proves it and he does not require a queen or prince to validate that.”  
Jovi explained clearly in his heavy accent, making fierce eye-contact with The Mask.  
The Mask appeared frozen for a second but then spoke.

“You’re right. Uruk is the king of all eight realms. I apologize for misspeaking.”  
Uruk huffed and Agriel lingered a few seconds before retreating to his seat.  
“Thank you, ma,am.”  
Jovi said lowly as he sat back down. He really didn’t want to do that but he wasn’t about to let an Aasimar die right in front of him. Not one that he was meant to travel with soon.  
They were a really rare lot.  
Steele lowered her arm and fixed her napkin in front of her she felt The Mask staring daggers at her.   
Trinculo’s smile snapped shut and they gathered food greedily, rather disappointed by the outcome.  
Jerkyn rubbed the back of his neck as he carefully sipped out of his too-full cup.  
Uruk huffed and went back to his spot.

“Right. Anyway… Now that we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot, I think we can just figure out the whole thing now.  
We’re going to the southern peninsula for a little hunting expedition. We’ll probably be fighting beasts and criminals alike. Beyond that, it’s kinda a vacation. So we can really do whatever we want. Agriel is coming as a representative of the royal court.”

Agriel gave a good-natured wave to the others.

“Jovi will be dealing with our documentation so we don’t get tracked by enemies of the crown.”  
Jovi nodded towards him.

“Trinculo is here just because I think they’re funny.”  
Trinculo juggled a pear and orange that they had just nabbed.  
“Haha! See? That’s some good shit.”  
The others, excluding Agriel, were not convinced but gave complimentary chuckles.

“Jerkyn is a bomb-ass hunter who will assist us in any tough situations.”  
Jerkyn shot him some finger-guns that Uruk happily returned.

“The Mask is a skilled in stealth and can help in recon and other fun stuff.”  
The Mask sat stiffly.

“And Steele is here for personal reasons and a little extra protection for us!”  
Steele bowed her head a little, accidentally getting her beard in her soup and cussing under her breath.

“And that’s about it. You’ll get details when we get there, haha.”  
“A question if I can?” Jovial inquired.  
“Shoot.”  
“What of compensation, your grace?”  
“Oh y’all will have your names cleared of any crimes and get a hundred platinum pieces each.”  
Jovi smiled wider than he had in years. That was enough to buy like a couple hundred new parasols!   
“And of all crimes, truly?”  
“All of them.”  
“Including grand theft?” The Mask added.  
“How about trespassing?” Jerkyn asked.  
“Sorry to be a stickler  
But what of Murder?” Trinculo rhymed.  
“Arson?” Steele proposed.  
“Tax evasion as well?” Jovi propositioned.  
“Peeing in the bath?” Agriel blurted.

Uruk looked around the table and judged very hard before letting out a hearty laugh.  
“Yall are perfect!  
All of that shit is pardoned!”


	3. Destinations and Dialogues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang goes on a little trip, forgive the time skip ladies and Theydies.  
> Apologies for some hettie sounding things in this chapter.

The party had awakened the following morning with minimal questioning and at the behest of Jovial, embarked on their trip in a "Commoner" carriage to avoid unwanted attention.  
It took about thirty minutes until the first problem occurred.

"And remind me why you feel the need to put your feet on me?"  
Jovial complained as Agriel reclined his shoes over his lap.  
Agriel gave him an apologetic smile but made no attempt to move in the cramped carriage that the crew was stuffed in.  
"Well it's really cramped in here you know. And my legs need the space!"  
"Well "the space" you're referring to is in my personal bubble."

"Just let him put his legs there dude. It's not that big of a deal." Jerkyn said from across him.  
"Actually it IS kind of a big deal. You see, this shitty crate I arraigned for us to take seats at most four people in it. Now let's examine the situation here. You, hunter, take up the space of about two regular people and are squashing the lovely priestess on your right." Jovial explained, gesturing an open hand to Steele, who was dwarf-spreading next to the dragonborn.

"I'm actually fine. Sure it's fucking cramped but you're the only complaining. Maybe there'd be more space too if you just put your stupid parasol with the rest of the luggage!"  
Steele complained back.  
"You aren't getting the point! Why doesn't he just walk outside? Then the clown could sit there and so could Agriel!"

"Seems as if you just want this side selfishly!  
Your concern with comfort is all with you and not me!" Trinculo chimed next to Agriel.  
"Ugh! You all have no sense of gratitude! Did I not mention that I am the one you have to thank for transportation in the first place?"  
"Yeah, you arranged us this 'shitty crate', to use your exact words." Jerkyn huffed.

"Oh please, you know, I really think we should vote on whether or not YOU should leave the cart. You're taking up an extraordinary amount of space and also you smell!"  
"What?"  
"You heard me. Your whole aroma reeks of rotting eggs."

Steele crossed her arms. "Don't be fucking racist, Jovi. He's a dragonborn, you know that they can't help their elemental smells."  
"Actually I didn't know, so! Thank you.... For informing me!" Jovial said in an infuriated but exasperated manner.  
Jerkyn self-conciously looked away as best as he could from the others. Which was actually quite difficult, seeing as how the roof of the carriage was as too low as the seats were too small for him.

Agriel shifted to reach over Jovi.  
"Hey, maybe if we just open the curtains and let some sunlight in here, you'll be less grumpy!"  
Jovi abruptly grabbed Agriel's arm as it neared the curtain.  
"No."

Trinculo smirked. "Let me get that for you, Aggy!"  
They devilishly chortled as they extended an arm to pull the curtains back.  
Many things happened at once.  
The bright summer rays of sunshine streamed into the small chamber and Jovi hissed loudly as his parasol popped open to it's full width.  
Jovi swung the accessory around wildly to block the light and jabbed Jerkyn in the snout with the pointed end.  
The hunter pushed himself farther away and actually was squashing Steele by now and the yells from both of them rose up among the others.  
Trinculo was in a fit of laughter, Jovi did not seem to be finished with dramatically hissing at them all and Agriel's yells of confusion now rose up to the din.

Outside it was a perfectly beautiful day in the idyllic countryside that the carriage was being driven through.  
Uruk had insisted on driving. It was just one of the things that he never got to do since he became king. Nowadays he was expected to always have chauffeurs taking him everywhere. The feel of the rough leather reins in his own claws was something that he had missed. Sure he had to wear a large cloak to hide himself but he had long ago taken the hood off since they left the city.

He turned to check up on The Mask, who apparently had opted for sitting pensively on top of the carriage instead of inside with the others.  
"You holding up okay, mystery buddy?" He asked.  
"I am doing fine." She replied.  
She matched Uruk with a heavyset cloak of her own, only she kept her hood on the entire ride. Her face still lay concealed by the enigmatic mask. The most that one could tell of her person from a glance was that she was an Aasimar, a person of angelic descent. Her large ears that appeared closer to an extra pair of wings on her head were hard to conceal.  
The Mask sat with her legs crossed, glaring over the landscape.  
"You know, it's fine to take off the mask. If you wear your hood a little lower, nobody walking by will see your face." Uruk offered.  
"I am content with it. Thank you."  
"Er, okay."  
Uruk pondered where to take this conversation. He had kinda been spoiled with many shotgun drivers during his adventures.  
"Do you want to sit up front? I could use the company." He tried.  
"No."  
"Oh."  
"..."  
"..."  
"..."  
"So do you have wings?"  
"Do you intend to spoil the trip with pointless conversation the entire time?" The Mask said, still watching the horizon intensely.  
"Well, it's just that I asked before and you never really answered."  
"I told you that you'd see for yourself soon. However, I didn't account for you being the king of impatience as well." She snapped.  
"Jeez! I was just asking! Gods!" Uruk huffed, giving the reins a little shake to speed this trip along.  
The loner with an attitude thing would've been more attractive if she wasn't so dang mean!  
The Mask didn't even remotely think the same of him.  
She was more than ready to rid herself of the childish king. But she had to have the patience that he did not. For now, watching the pastoral grounds passing her was enough. She wondered how many of these crops grew upon the buried bodies of those felled in Uruk's wars. It made her blood run cold to think of the past horrors of war passing through this land.

The carriage side door suddenly opened and Jerkyn tumbled out of the exit, causing Uruk to pull back quickly on the reins and bring the carriage to a dangerously abrupt stop. He jumped off the drivers seat and approached the other dragonborn with haste. The Mask watched with mild interest.

Jerkyn got up on his own as Uruk approached and the door to the carriage was closed quickly by someone else within.  
"What happened? Is everyone alright?" He asked.  
"Uh, yeah, it's just uh, someone had a really bad fart." Jerkyn said. He didn't want to get anyone kicked off of this expedition yet just because they had a little fight. It was best not to let his employer know that he had been kicked out by the others.  
"A fart?" Uruk said, blinking his blue eyes.  
"uh, yep."  
"Was it you?"  
"It was Agriel." Jerkyn panicked.  
Uruk laughed loudly and punched him on the arm.  
Jerkyn started joining in hesitantly but eventually mounted up to Uruk's enthusiasm.  
The Mask lost all interest by this point.  
"You don't have to lie about a fart! I get it, your acid breath is bad enough that your farts can probably kill! Don't be ashamed about it though!" Uruk said through his laughter.  
Jerkyns laughter became genuine with that statement.  
"C'mon, it's fine. You can sit up front with me. Just uh, if warn me if you're feeling the urge."Uruk offered.  
"Sounds great, haha, I will, don't worry!" Jerkyn responded happily. He didn't know why he hadn't just asked for shot gun in the first place. He was glad to let the inner carriage sort itself out.


	4. Djinns and Dishonesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We finally get to hear one of those war stories. Who's ready for more roadtrip banter?

“Thanks for letting me sit up here.” Jerkyn said after climbing up to the shotgun seat.  
“No problem. You probably could guess that ‘The Mask’ isn’t being a great conversation buddy.”

Jerkyn threw a glance back to the cloaked woman, who did not return his gaze. He didn’t hold that position long. The Mask was interesting, sure, but she had yet to prove herself in the field to him. Until then, he could take no genuine interest with her.   
And now The Giant-Slayer confirmed that she was a bad conversationalist. Another strike against her. 

“Yeah, well I guarantee that I can do better.” Jerkyn said with confidence.  
“Say, you gotta, tell me the story behind the Giant-Slayer name.” He asked.   
“Oh, that’s a good one! Bigass Hill giant, by the way. I gained that title a couple winters ago but that’s also around the same time I lost…” Uruk trailed off.

“Lost what?”

“My hand.” Uruk said flatly, pulling up the golden gleaming prosthetic gauntlet that was securely attached to his right arm. 

Jerkyn felt a pang of jealousy. How noble to have lost a limb in combat. A poetic sacrifice in the name of battle. He felt strongly about such sacrifices but never had needed to commit one so severe as that.

“Did the giant claim it, my grace?” Jerkyn asked carefully, tossing in the honorific for safe measure.   
“No. Actually this...” he glanced to the metal once more   
“was a gift from the Sultanah Burhan al-Din.” 

Jerkyn’s eyes lit up and he sat much straighter. Sultanah Burhan al-Din was a MUCH more intriguing figure than any hill giant. A sorceress genie that some say arose straight from hell itself. She ruled the frigid regions to the south. Land that was supposedly in the king’s eight realms, but it was no question that she was still the keeper of the southern mountainlands. 

“What was that battle like? What happened? You gotta tell me!” Jerkyn said enthusiastically. 

Uruk was now more conscious of exactly how much space two dragonborns were taking up in the driver’s seating. There was little to no space between the two and he felt quite pressured to recount the story. Although it was one of his worst embarrassments. This Jerkyn guy seemed pretty cool though and he understood the importance of a good fight and a good conversation, so Uruk would do his best to impress him!

“It was a difficult fight for the both of us.” He lied. 

“Really? Doesn’t she use advanced spells? Tell me how you countered them!”

“Well, let me tell you, dude. People think that just because i’m all brawn and no magic, they can pull some fancy spells out on me to throw me off balance, but too many idiots have made that mistake with me.” He lied some more. Sure he had killed magic-using know-it-alls before but he always had a sorcerer of his own on his side. He surely didn’t keep Agriel around for his good looks after all.

“Of course! You subvert their expectations! They think they can catch you with elemental toss-ups or transfiguration but you have experience, right? I can relate, magical creatures try much of the same tactics with me. But it must be impossibly more difficult with intelligent casters, yes?” Jerkyn enthused.

“Well yeah, so she uh, threw some fireballs at me, but she was dumb about that.If I wasn’t such a great dodger already, she should have counted for me being nearly fire-proof!” He said, furthering the point by pulling up some of the cape to show off his glistening ruby scales to Jerkyn. 

“Huh? I definitely wouldn’t have expected that, she always sounded way smarter than that.” He said, confused a bit.

Uruk panicked a bit, he wasn’t buying it!

“Well, like I said, she was underestimating me from the start. But after I cleaved one of her horns straight off, she wizened up to who she was dealing with!” He fibbed further. It was only a small white lie after all. Of course the Sultanah still had all her horns but how would a nobody hunter like Aufonya know that?

“Oh my GODS! With your great axe?!?!” Jerkyn said, grabbing with Uruks nearest shoulder with excitement. He was too caught up in his own excitement to notice the small startle Uruk gave when he had touched him.  
“The very same one.” He answered with a proud smile. It wasn’t all that fake of a smile too, Jerkyn admiring him like that was making him feel much better about lying.

“Wow! Amazing! And then what happened? Your arm?” 

“Well, like I hinted, she started getting more serious, and the fight got harder. We were exchanging blows left and right!” Uruk explained, getting so much into the fantasy that he was mimicking the swinging of his weapon. Maybe not the wisest action to take while driving.

“I would nick her here and she would nick me there, not that that happened often! Ah, you really had to be there to see it!” He said, calming a little.

“And?”

“...And?”

“Your arm!” Jerkyn reminded.

“Oh, well I mistepped and she got lucky. It was a pretty clean cut. Not much blood. I forgot to mention that she had a flaming sword. The damn thing cauterized the wound basically as soon the hit landed.” He finished.

“Damn. That must’ve hurt like a mother-fucker.”

“Yeah. But it’s fine. Like I said, instantly cauterized, never hurt again after that. Ha! Never felt it again after that too!” Uruk laughed, telling an even more painful lie this time.

“So then it was over?”

“What? Over?... Hell no!” Uruk said, feeling offended that Jerkyn would dare think that imaginary Uruk would fall so easily. It was just a hand after all!

“Huh? Wasn’t that your dominant hand though? How could you keep going? And hadn’t the weapon fallen?” Jerkyn said with disbelief.

“You learn to be ambidextrous in the heat of the moment, buddy. I kept at it until I lost too much blood. But I did. Keep. going. I didn’t stop until I fainted. Alright? “ Uruk said with a bit more anger in his voice than he would have liked.

Jerkyn was quiet for a moment. Uruk could feel the admiration wane. It hurt.

“What about after?”

“After what?”

“The battle!” Jerkyn said, slapping his king’s back now. Uruk had a kind of distracted look in his eyes that he noticed. Maybe whatever it is, is making it harder to focus on actually telling the story.

“Well, she took me to her arena. How did you think I roped myself into a gladiator match against a hill giant anyway? You think I volunteered or something?” Uruk said, not bothering to lie, he didn’t see a reason to.

“I would volunteer for an opportunity like that!” Jerkyn blurted. And the black dragonborn was not lying nearly as much as his vermilion counterpart.

Uruk was taken aback but he understood what Jerkyn meant. If he hadn’t been blinded by pure rage during that fight, it may have been more fun. But he was lying to himself a little still. Bloodshed was bloodshed, and maybe the harder one had to work for it, the more alive one felt. Soaked in the blood of a giant, holding it’s decapitated head, and roaring at an encompassing and cheering crowd was definitely in Uruk’s highlight reel for life. 

Did he mention that he was armourless and half naked at the time? Yeah. That too.

“You’re fucking crazy! But so am I so I can’t judge!” He happily exclaimed, letting out a guffaw as he brought his left arm around the hunter.

Jerkyn laughed as he was embraced but was taking careful note of the king’s handle of the reins. It was painfully obvious that Uruk was not ambidextrous. Jerkyn knew he was lying. He had concerns about every bit of that story. But his most gracious employer didn’t need to know that. Not yet at least.

The Mask, who had been forgotten in her silence, knew it as well. She would expose him for more than a stupid battle story, however. For so much more. 

She noticed the riders first, on their horses as they approached the cart quickly.

“Put up your hood, Infernus. We have company.”


End file.
